Not Just Part of Our Foster Family

April 15, 2018
Filed Under: Foster Family
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Last Updated:9th September 2020

In my last post ‘Foster Nan and Her Foster Family‘, I introduced myself and spoke about my wish to highlight the valuable input that can be provided by relatives of foster carer’s throughout their fostering journey.

I’m now ‘foster nan’ to teenagers – Liam, Adam, and Morgan. They’re all very different characters, and I value each one. I feel privileged to be part of their lives. We’ve been getting to know each other over the last couple of years, and Christmas was quite special as we shared it with them.

I did catch myself wondering what they were thinking about beyond all the lights, the gifts and the festive food. We can do our best with presents, treats, and affection, but we can’t give them what they may long for – to be with their mum, dad, or siblings, taking for granted ‘normal’ family life.

It’s important to remember that children who live with foster families already have a family, somewhere, and we must help them to preserve their sense of belonging to it while they live in foster care.

An Old Hand? or New to Fostering?

If you’re already a foster carer (perhaps with far more experience than me!) you can sit back, fold your arms, nod wisely and say out loud ‘That won’t work!’ or ‘I’ve been wondering how to cope with the same thing myself’ or ‘Yes, I feel just like that!’

If you’re new to fostering or thinking about it, you can perhaps pick up a few hints, learn from my mistakes, or just feel encouraged to find out more.

Education of Young People in Care

I was impressed when Liam called to say he was taking some subjects early, including his English Language. For many students, it’s not the easiest of subjects to master, so when I heard he’d passed, I sent him a card.

Moving towards the end of compulsory formal education brings a time of transition which we must handle sensitively. But Liam’s success in the exam is encouraging and makes me enthusiastic about helping where I can.

There are important aspects of the education of children in care. Often their schooling has been disrupted and carers will be looking for guidance on how best to help their foster child make progress. As competence in the English language provides a firm basis for studying all subjects, it’s worth focusing some time on supporting foster children with this.

New Year

At the beginning of each year, I make lists – they make me feel more in control of my life, even when I don’t act on them! I’m determined to remember everyone’s birthday, most importantly Mark and Katy’s foster kids. It’s difficult to know what to buy for them. They don’t go short of material things, but I want to find something appropriate for each of them.

I’ll be listening out for helpful clues!

I had an interesting chat with Adam recently. He came over with Katy and started telling me about his college course. (He’s just started on a training course. All I know is that it’s something to do with engineering and includes a lot of stuff about cars.)

I tried to keep up with Adam as he got going on differentials and fuel injection. He was so enthusiastic that I got swept along and felt I might be able to strip my car engine and tune it at the weekend, instead of just washing it!

My Mistake

I went over to see them all recently and, after an enjoyable lunch, we went into the lounge for coffee. I noticed Morgan looking a bit solemn. ‘You OK?’ I said. ‘Yes, good thanks’ he replied, but I felt something was troubling him.

I should have waited for Morgan to bring the subject up, but I made the mistake of trying to find out more by adding ‘I think you’re just putting on a brave face’. He suddenly stood up and rushed out of the lounge shouting something about his ‘contact’ being rubbish.

It turned out that he’d gone with his social worker to meet his Mum and things hadn’t gone well. She’d turned up late and was pre-occupied with how she was going to get to see her other child who was being fostered some way away.

It was her birthday, and Morgan had taken trouble finding her a special present. Apparently, she had put it to one side saying she’d open it in a moment, and then left it behind when her taxi came early. Katy said she’d tried to smooth things over, but Morgan had been very quiet when they returned home and was clearly upset.

My Clumsy Attempt to Get Morgan Talking Was a Mistake

It’s easy to think we can always ‘help’, isn’t it? Usually better to be patient I decided. Why should he share things with me?

Mark phoned last night and said Morgan had written a long letter to his Mum. Mark had passed it on to Morgan’s social worker because his Mum was staying at a temporary address.

It’s sometimes a bit awkward sharing information because obviously privacy issues can arise. I’ve never asked Mark and Katy for background information on their foster children. As foster parents they are in a position of trust and have to maintain confidentiality. I respect this.

Invitation

I’ve just received an invitation to attend a day course for foster carers’ family members. I’m quite excited about this! It should be helpful and will be a chance to meet other families. It’s a new initiative set up by the agency. They think the extended family of foster carers can play an important supporting role. They seem very forward looking because not every agency organises such courses.

If you’re part of a foster family, you could explore whether the carers’ fostering agency runs any courses that you can attend. Maybe you’ve already attended one and want to tell us whether it helped you.

Foster Nan

As a Foster Nan of eleven years, I've enjoyed seeing my child provide a loving home for more than a dozen fostered children. All children deserve to feel loved, cared for and valued, so in a foster family, we've made it a priority to do just that.

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Not Just Part of Our Foster Family