Foster Nan and Her Foster Family
- March 25, 2018
- Filed Under: Foster Family
- No Comments
- Last Updated:9th September 2020
LinkedIn
Pinterest
Facebook
Twitter
If you are a foster carer you’re probably part of a wider foster family. That’s certainly the case in my family with several generations of us all in regular contact with the children fostered by my son and his partner Katy.
I was looking through my Christmas cards, and I came to one that said ‘To a special Nan and Granddad’. One of the most touching cards I’d had – because it was from one of the youngsters my son and his partner foster. It got me thinking about my role as a ‘foster Nan’. It made me think about sharing my experiences, bringing a new perspective to the fostering scene.
A Personal Perspective
So, here it is – my observations, ideas, feelings and relationships with the children and young people my son and his partner foster (our foster family). I hope it will highlight the valuable input provided by a foster carer’s relatives and the benefits of involving your whole family.
I thought back to when Mark and Katy first mentioned fostering. I remember my initial reaction – I wasn’t sure. It was a generous idea, but it was a lot to take on. Wouldn’t it mean a huge change to their routine? And, to be honest, a bit of an intrusion into our family life?
I liked the idea in principle though, helping to give a child a home, and I felt somewhat proud of them – that they were even considering it. They had a lovely house, were parents of grown-up children and had both left their professional careers.
Where to Start
Over the next few months, they began looking into local authority fostering services and independent agencies. They read a lot about fostering and discussed their ideas with friends and family members, and that included me. They’d both worked in ‘people-centred’ careers. They’d had a lot of responsibility and experience of interacting with a varied group of people.
Perfect
Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I thought they seemed ‘perfect’! I started to warm to the idea and had a look at a few sites online myself. I made up my mind to support them and wondered if I might be able to fit in somewhere as part of their foster family.
Have a look at the process of becoming a foster carer; you will probably find reassurance there on some of those doubts you’ve got. We all worry about whether we’ll be ‘acceptable’ don’t we? Remember, it’s highly likely that you will be considered suitable.
A Bit About Me
In my head, I’m still the right side of thirty, but in reality, I’m an old lady! I was fortunate to have had a happy, settled and secure upbringing, with caring parents who created a lovely home and garden, encouraged my interests and hobbies and were firm but fair in their discipline. (OK, my teenage years had a few ‘ups and downs’!) I eventually decided to train as a teacher. My son had just started school.
My Work in Children’s Homes
As a student, I’d had a couple of placements in one of those old-style children’s homes as a way of gaining experience. I remembered some of the kids who’d lived there. You can probably picture the scene; the comings and goings of staff, how we were all called ‘auntie’, how everything was so communal, so impersonal. There were lots of rules, featureless disinfected rooms, regimented mealtimes, baths, and bedtimes and even shared clothing for some of the younger children.
The home was along a secluded drive, well out of sight of the local community – and so, I thought, were the children. They suffered stigmatisation from other children at the local school, always carrying the label of being ‘in care’ and ‘from the homes’.
A Better Idea
An individual family home had to be better for a child who couldn’t stay with their own family, didn’t it? I hated the way a child had to share attention with so many others and could never relate properly to one of those well-meaning ‘aunties’. It was as if any affection they experienced was switched on and off according to shift patterns.
(Talk about not forming a secure attachment, talk about no continuity of care; talk about lack of availability, sensitivity and all the other qualities now acknowledged as being so important!) By the way, I can’t over-emphasise how important it is to have a sound understanding of what is known as the ‘Secure Base Model’ – it really can make a huge difference to your fostering experience. Have a look at this introduction to the secure base model it’ll get you thinking!
Initial Enquiry
So, my son and his partner selected a fostering agency, contacted them, and went in to see them with a list of questions, a lot of hope – and just a little nervousness! A date was arranged when a social worker would visit them at home and ask them about their life so far, relationships, their interests, their extended family – and their motives for fostering.
They told me they didn’t feel ‘judged’ at all and found plenty of opportunities to express their ideas about what they thought fostering involved and how they intended to meet the challenges ahead.
Of course, I began to wonder how I would shape up. As a close family member (mother and grandmother) and the proposed ‘back-up’ carer, I was to be interviewed too, in my own home. Again, plenty of time to ask questions and talk about what I thought fostering would entail.
I felt quite nervous before the visit, but I needn’t have been! I talked about my experience of being a mum and what I thought was important in a child’s life. I had to try and describe how and why I felt Mark and Katy would make suitable foster carers. I had to say how I thought I would be able to offer them support, and how practical my help might be. By now I was committed to the idea and hoped the fostering agency would see me as a reliable and caring potential foster Nan!
Careful Checks
DBS (CRB in those days) checks were made and other personal information collected. We all hoped the agency would see us as ‘suitable’, and eventually, my son and his partner attended their preparation sessions where they met others hoping to foster.
Once they had been approved to foster and were ready to accept their first child they were excited, but a bit apprehensive. Arrangements were made for Jack to join them.
Introducing Jack
I can remember feeling nervous myself when I went round to be introduced to Jack. It sounds silly, but I felt ‘under observation’ and ‘on approval’ by this fair-haired, attractive, but troubled little boy aged nine. I remember how vulnerable he looked and how emotionally guarded he was. I didn’t think he was very impressed with me and my attempts at conversation didn’t get far. He wouldn’t look at me directly, jumping around and racing upstairs.
Looking back, I was probably a bit too enthusiastic about ‘relating’ to him. After all, he’d only just moved to his new home, leaving people and familiarity behind, why would he be interested in me? Clearly, this was all more complex than the foster care basics we’d discussed and read about.
When I took Jack out to the park, he sometimes chatted away, and sometimes he was silent. I knew nothing about his world, and he knew nothing about mine. We were strangers to each other. Gradually, though, we built up a rapport and relaxed into a more natural relationship, and I grew fond of him.
Something of a breakthrough came when he showed an interest in learning to swim. Enrolled at the local sports centre, Jack took to swimming – well – like a duck to water!
I recognised the pleasure and sense of freedom he got from these sessions, gaining both grace and confidence. I have to admit, though, that Jack was much braver than I’d been as a child! He began learning to dive, supervised by an experienced instructor who gained Jack’s respect and trust. Soon he was taking part in junior events and learnt about co-operation and teamwork, and how to deal with occasional defeat and disappointment.
A Big Impression
I remember one day at the seaside, Jack and I were standing together, staring down at the beach at high-tide. Jack was leaning over the stout railings, peering into the green depths of the water and seemed struck by the covered sand on which he’d played the day before.
He was clearly impressed by the transformation; by seeing his playground submerged, the dark rocks lying like jagged monsters, and his castles demolished.
It occurred to me that it was like his life so far. The pools where he’d fished with his improvised net, the sandcastles he’d dreamed up with his temporary friends, the soft, warm patch where he’d felt safe in the day’s sun, the security of playing and relaxing alongside people he’d learned to trust, suddenly covered over beneath the deep water.
He’d had no way of controlling the ending of all this – the decision that meant he would have to find another beach, another place to fish, another sandcastle. All this made an impression on me too, reminding me of how vulnerable and fragile a child’s world can be.
Jack eventually moved on, but I won’t forget him, my foster ‘grandchild’, and if I’m honest, I hope he won’t forget me… That’s something I think is a bit difficult for any of us involved in foster care – the ending of a placement can leave you missing the child you had built a relationship with and wondering how things turned out for them.
It would be good to know how other foster Nans, brothers, carers (foster families) feel about this.
Foster Nan
As a Foster Nan of eleven years, I've enjoyed seeing my child provide a loving home for more than a dozen fostered children. All children deserve to feel loved, cared for and valued, so in a foster family, we've made it a priority to do just that.
Comment Guidelines – We like thoughtful communication, so please share your opinion. Use your name rather than a business name, and if you don’t have a website, feel free to use one of your social media profiles for the ‘website’ field.